When your child hates you...

Just a little something that popped into my head tonight that I thought I'd share...

I'm lucky enough that my step-daughter has never said to me "I hate you". I always said to myself that there would be a day when it would let slip from her mouth, but to date, she hasn't. I have know her for nearly ten years now so it just goes to show how great a relationship we share.

She has, however, on occasion, said things like, "I hate living here" or similar statements.

I had a few moments to peruse the meaning of this and tried to think back to when I may have said a similar thing to my own parents (I am pretty sure I have told them I hated them at one time or another...) 

It let me to conclude that, just like adults can say silly things in the heat of the moment to their spouse or friend... likewise, a teen or tween or even a young child can say things that they don't really mean. The difference is though, that generally children need some prompting to acknowledge their emotions, to be able to recognise their emotions and organise their feelings so that they can come to a place of remorse, forgiveness and an understanding of how to diffuse a situation or control their anger before things are said rashly. 

When Madison has had emotional, angry outbursts and has retreated to her room, slamming her bedroom door, instead of myself getting angry at her for being rude, or disrespecting our property, I have know learned to take a few deep breaths, make sure I am calm, THINK about the situation and why she has behaved this way, BEFORE I approach her. This also gives her time to have a few deep breaths, maybe a little cry to get out the excess emotions, to collect herself, maybe have some "it's so unfair" thoughts and get that out of her system.

Because it's no use for me to go immediately in there and yell at her for back chatting, being disobedient and disrespectful to our property. It will only cause more anger and begin an even more heated argument. 

When a child says "I hate you"...

They don't hate you.
They feel out of control
They feel angry at the situation.
They feel frustrated that they are not adults and can not be treated like an adult or have adult privileges.
They feel scared that they feel so angry that they could burst inside and their head could explode from all that anger
They feel disappointed that something was not as they had expected, and they don't understand how to change it, make it happen or control the situation.
They feel frustrated that someone else has a say in their life, and that when that "say" is something unexpected or something they don't want to do, they have no authority to change it.
They feel as though their word is not under their own control and someone else is controlling their life.

They don't understand that we are trying to create them to be wonderful adults who can cope in the big, wide world. They just think we are trying to get them to do chores they don't want to do, or study boring or difficult subjects that don't capture their interest. Or even just the fact that they want their own way and we have to train them to realise that the world is not like that and things won't just get handed to them on a silver platter! 

So I breathe. I think about the situation. I think about what to say and what NOT to say. I give her time. I give her space.

Then I go in to her room. I sit down on the end of her bed and ignore the fact she is giving me daggers! I rub her feet if she is crying. Then I just give her a big hug. I don't say anything. I just hold her. I hold her regardless of whether she hugs me back or not.

Then I say, "it is so hard to be young. I know. I remember what it was like being your age and being in your situation. It's not easy. I sometimes hated my parents too. And you know what? I always told myself I would remember this pain and suffering so that when I had my own children I would never make them feel this way EVER. But you know... then you become a grown up. And you forget. You get busy with trying to control everything so that life works for everyone. And you forget about how it feels to be the kid."

Before I know it, she has softened and is crying WITH me, not without me. She knows that I understand and I have taken time to remember. And I do this, not only for her sake, but for the sake of my grandchildren, in the hope that she remembers these moments and treats them in the same way.

Once we are on the same level again, then it is easier to explain the reason why whatever it was we were arguing about is so important for her to learn as she grows up. That she understands we are trying to help, not to control.

It doesn't always work, but I know for sure that it makes things a whole lot easier when you are working with your child and not against your child.

Anyways that is my thoughts for tonight :-)